The @-Work Nettwerk
Mundane Tasks and Capitalist Pig-Dog Commands

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copyright 2000 by benjamin wyskida and andrew myatt.

This week's Golden Cubicle Award goes to Elizabeth Botten, Annie Lou Bayly, and somebody named Susan. I'm not sure what it has to do with work, except for casual Friday possibilities, but I don't really care:
***We saw this item for sale at eBay, the world's largest personal trading community, and thought that you might be interested.

Title of item: Vintage Baby Blue Panties, Sz 8, Hips 41-42NR
Seller: vicstir@earthlink.net
Starts: Feb-11-00 17:10:52 PST
Ends: Feb-18-00 17:10:52 PST
Price: Starts at $1.95
To bid on the item, go to:
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=258853397

Item Description:
This is a pair of baby blue panties by Sears. Size 8. Hips 41-42. Nylon with a cotton crotch. There are 2 pin holes in the front near the elastic up top. There is also an area that's flawed on the nylon in the front. Still a nice pair of panties. Buyer pays $2.15 for shipping and insurance in a bubble envelope. US SHIPPING ONLY and insurance is required. Money order, certified/cashier's check preferred. Minimum 14 days clearing period with a personal check. Payment must be received within 15 days of auction close, unless other arrangements have been made. Thank you and good luck.***

Here is a web site that my company has designed and hosted. I'm wondering if I should bring this up at the Quality Team meeting on Friday...
http://www.rosebud.qpg.com/

This morning, one of my coworkers received an email that made butterflies dance across her computer screen while it played "the music box dancer" for about 15 minutes. I'm a pretty tolerant man, but I do have limits.

Today I was in a bad mood, so I left work, got high, and watched Orgazmo for the third time in four days. I'll get you, Jizzmaster zero!!!

I carried on a serious conversation with my boss today, pretending to be typing something important up, when really, I was playing "yahoo towers" a tetris-like game on yahoo.

This week we got to experience a seminar on acceptance of change and big business layoffs, brought to us by OI Partners. The two OI Partners didn't have braces, combat boots, or shaved heads, but they did make me wanna scream my head off. Corporate psychology still sucks, eh?

Quote from the day, taken directly from a student essay: "The opossum within me flourishes." Also applicable: "She feigns death when threatened."

This is excerpted from an email by our "senior user services specialist" (is the future now?) to our entire office: "I would encourage you to not stay late on Tuesday. Rather, go home at a normal hour, eat a leisurely dinner at the standard North American dinnertime, and enjoy the major networks' Tuesday night TV lineups." An evening for the average Joe Clerical; it's funny because it's true.

More on the psychology seminar: I was hesitantly asked to "just keep an open mind" about these crap, useless attempts at teaching us to deal with some sort of "trauma" which they've insisted we're feeling, despite our collective protests. I carefully explained my critical stance toward the seminar content at some length, to which the reply was: "Just keep an open mind." I give up.

1-800-578-7453

My assistant was three minutes late meeting me for a ride, so I left him.

Volume Thirty:
Make Every Work Day a Morrissey Work Day!!!

Today's Golden Cubicle Goes To Elizabeth Botten, of rough n' tumble Silver Spring:
**Today as I was walking back from lunch with my co-workers, we passed the homeless man who hangs out behind our building. We usually don't give him any change, because when you try to he verbally assaults you on the street. This time, however, just ignoring him was enough. As we passed him he mumbled, "Damn honkeys." **

>From "Bad Subjects" zine, volume 32: "Clearly, we need to take the role of fuckoff away from the leisured elite who don't know how to do it and give it to the rest of us, who would like nothing better than to fuck off the rest of our lives."

Today I had to dress up like George Washington and stand on a street corner. It occurred to me that with his wooden teeth and all, George Washington would have made a pretty nasty male escort. Particularly for oral kinds of stuff

Ever wondered what your wu-tang clan name was:
http://www.recordstore.com/cgi-bin/wuname/wuname.pl

My assistant accidentally farted on one of our interns.

Today I returned a library book and got a car wash, then billed the time to a client. I think I should have felt guilty about this, but I didn't.

Sometimes I work in a different office, in a building with very thin walls in the suite next door to the Catholis Archdicese of Washington DC. I was alone at the end of the day, and I realized that my chair squeaking sounded like...you know, the way a bed sounds, so I rocked back and forth senselessly for about 10 minutes so the bishop would think there were people humping.

Last night I was an orphan in Tijuana who could fly like superman. Today, I'm resigned to data entry in Minneapolis.

You know your day has gone to crap when the highlight of you day is going home and putting on your sweatpants.

Today I pretended that my office building was really a massive spacecraft, hurling through outer space, going where no man has gone before. Its so easy to imagine because the building is so large that if it was flying, I wouldn't even know it. It was also cool because usually I'm scared to death of flying, but it wasn't really all that bad.

Today I designed a website for a company that specializes in cartoon, blank and adult videos. Seems kind of like a conflict of interest doesn't it??

I haven't got a bad enough headache to reasonably ask to go home; just a headache that makes staring at a computer all day even more torturous than usual. I resent this job. Now I have to account for approximately 4.5 hours of harboring resentment. I resent this job.

I was on the phone today talking to a client about designing a website. I asked him if he had any sort of special slogan. The guy said "yeah the owner has one, its 'sell, sell, sell'". Then he said, "wait I guess that's more for the salesmen." Oh really?

Today I got a new rolodex. It is the Rolls Royce of rolodexes. The cards are x-tra large and have special slots cut into them so you can slip business cards right in. The only problem is I am starting to feel guilty about it. Why should MY rolodex be so big when other's are so terribly small? I live in constant fear of someone walking into my office, looking at my rolodex, and saying, "Why do YOU have such a big rolodex?"

I just did a web site for these people... http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/ARHOTedu.html My weirdest yet, by far... Pack up the kids, we're going to Arkansas. I should note that Andy is now known as "Bat Pig", complete with replica batmobile.

Walked past a couple coworkers in the downstairs hallway. They were standing in front of a wall-sized dry erase board. On the otherwise empty board someone had written "Boring," and below that, "Yawn!" Following a brief discussion, we agreed that thinking of more words was boring, and went back to work.

I fell asleep on the toilet so the motion sensors turned the lights off. I threw toilet paper at the door and they turned back on.

Just when I thought I might survive February, I fell backwards in my spinny chair and spilled a bowl of cream of crab soup all over my new sweater.

Sweater? I don't even know her.