The @-Work Nettwerk
Mundane Tasks and Capitalist Pig-Dog Commands

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copyright 2000 by benjamin wyskida and andrew myatt.

Volume Thirty-One:
Darva Conger? I Don't Even Know Her!

Todays Golden Cubicle Award Goes to Ms. XXXX XXXXXX, of XXXXXXXXX, XX (whose co-worker reads the nettwerk). Thanks for the bitterness...
**Something flew up my co-worker's ass and died. It's too bad that whatever it was didn't take him with it.**

Also today, a sad note for nettwerkers...
**It is with great sadness that I report that the bathroom lady has officially retired from the civil service. In addition to spending winters in sunny Miami, Florida, she is looking forward to the additional free time she will have to fall asleep in the bathroom in her own home. To honor the bathroom lady, and the rays of sunshine she has brought to all of our lives, I propose that on Friday, March 10 at Noon, we all go to the restrooms stalls at our respective places of employment and fall asleep.**

On my cubicle wall calendar, I have marked paydays with a star. I also mark the projected start date of my period with a star. Such confusion...

This morning I had to prioritize - have sex again or go to work on time? I'm proud to say that my priorities are straight - I chose sex.

The architects upstairs caught me crouched on the floor, in a dark room, eating one of their donuts. Sometimes an excuse just won't cut it...

Today at work somehow I managed to make a joke to a few coworkers (and the boss) about how hot dogs go in the same way they come out. There are some aspects of this job I do love.

www.liberace.org

I bet George W Bush couldn't write an abstract. (Note from the ubermensch: No, but he could probably roll one up and snort coke through it.)

I pulled a giant hairball off of the bottom of my chair today. It was the size of a small mouse.

I pulled a giant hairball out of my ass today. It was the size of a small mouse. In fact, i think it was a small mouse.

There was a bomb threat sent to the hospital next door yesterday, but the Health Center didn't let anyone know about it until this morning. In the email, they told us not to feel "undue alarm," but nonetheless maintained that they were taking this threat very seriously and asked us all if we might take a few minutes to search our work area for "anything suspicious." This brings my job's total so far to: 12 false fire alarms, one hole in the wall from a misdirected wrecking ball, one gas main rupture, one building next door gutted by fire, and one bomb threat.

I just divided 109 by 109 on my calculator (and I wasn't just humoring myself). This is what corporate America has done to me.

This morning I woke up before work and listened to "Pumpin' for the man" by Ween. The first line is "it's a real, real bitch to be workin for the man, but shit I do it well so what the fuck?" Needless to say I think I'll be listening to it every morning as it puts me in a nice mood for the rest of the day.

I admitted to my assistant that I had diarehha. He said something to the effect of "uuueeehhheeeeuugggghhh." Then I made him bark.

It really irks me when people write me a message and end it with "thanks" even if it doesn't merit a "thanks" for example: cool! Is Chuck running the AE or is the Quantum specialist running the AE? Thanks

Yesterday, in some sort of context, I said: "Work. . . . it's no Starbucks."

www.toastmag.com Vote El Guano for President! Especially in Issue 8!

You want to know what I did at work today? NOTHING! Absolutely NOTHING! And I got paid for it too.

And finally, a new feature here at the nettwerk. Presenting ~~~^Utterly Inane IRC Chat From A Work Terminal!^~~~

* Mojojojo wonders how old these cheez-its are????
pheezy: 5.
Mojojojo: 5 what
pheezy: yes.
Mojojojo: cheezits with tabasco green pepper sauce...
pheezy: mmm.
Mojojojo: makes it hard to tell just how old they migh be, of it they're stale.
Mojojojo: No "sell by" date on 'em either...
jeremie: "born on" date?
Mojojojo: Nope, only thing is a stamp on the top that reads "K09019C"
Mojojojo: They don't taste quite right, but it could be because of the green ...tabasco...
Mojojojo: Okay, now gotta find something to dirnk
Mojojojo: drink
pheezy: butter.
Mojojojo: water
Mojojojo: out of pop in this office.
Mojojojo: We require a pop run every three weeks, and go through about 4 cases...
drrt: i am sitting at my desk typing.
drrt: now i am drinking water from a bottle.
drrt: now i am looking over a few cubes to see if a coworker is there.
drrt: is that my phone ringing?
drrt: no, someone else's.
* drrt looks to an xterm for a status update.
* drrt transcribes life to IRC.
Mojojojo: drrt being sarcastic to Mojo?
chunQ: i'll make your phone ring, smarty man!
rose_: that's good nettwerk material, you know.
Mojojojo: Rose: What's the email address again?
rose_: cubicle85@hotmail.com
Mojojojo: Do I have to include something in the subject line?
rose_: Nope
Mojojojo: Cutting and pasting
***Note from Web Page Editor: I wasn't refering to the WHOLE conversation there - just drrt's part, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway.***

Volume Thirty Two:
(Re) Configuring the Pedagogical Moisture in 1890's Film

Todays Golden Cubicle Award Goes To Mr. Brendan O'Melia, who writes in response to Volume Thirty One:
**I occasionnaly get these mails from you and I'm not sure why....would you mind taking me off your list of mailers...thanks.**

My boss bought me cheese cubes today, to eat.

On my way to lunch, I breathed in the scent of spring, just as a truck blew its exhaust, completing my breath with fumes. It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

Sometimes, when I go take a pee and someone is in a stall poopin', and then before I'm done the guy comes out of the stall, I'm tempted to point at him and say, "HAH HAH!! You just pooped!" But I think that might be frowned upon, so I don't do it.

(Note from the ubermensch: Once, in middle school, we took a field trip on one of those fancy buses with the bathroom in back. Whenever someone would be in there longer than it took to pee, everyone would chant "drop the bomb! drop the bomb!" and then laugh at the person when they came out. It was pretty cool)

Be careful where you open this -- might not be appropriate for every bosses' eyes: http://users.arn.net/~bdedek/nutsac/dodedo.html

Today when I poured my sugar packet into my coffee, I missed completely, and the sugar spilled onto the office carpet (which looks gray, but when you look really closely, you can see that there are actually a multitude of colors). Then I drank the coffee, with no sugar, even though I don't like coffee without sugar.

My boss just showed me an article from some performance art journal titled "Godzilla Meets Viagra." Whatever it is, I'm sure it's big in Japan.

I keep mispelling the word "services", putting "servixes" instead...and that of course reminds me of a great game we used to play in college, seeing what funny phrases we could come up with replacing "service" with "cervix". Like Health Cervix, Military Cervix, Social Cervixes, "At your Cervix!", etc. Try it -- there's no end to crazy college fun! (Another note from the ubermensch: It's also fun to say the word PUBLIC as if it were PUBE LICK. That way you get phrases like PUBE LICK AFFAIRS OFFICE and RE-PUBE LICKIN' PARTY, which I certainly think is applicable)

We got new phones at work today. After realizing there were multiple languages available for the display screen as an option, the first thing I did was randomly change a bunch of the phones to Japanese so now everyone is all confused because everthing on the display is in Kanji.

www.superbad.com

Today I was starting to imagine I was in a movie, the scene where the woman is going through her morning rituals, the opening credits were rolling around me, and the loud weather forecast from an oldies station leading into 'Big Girls Don't Cry' could be heard. Then when I got to work I stopped because I didn't think anyone would be interested in watching this movie any more.

yippee! New file cabinets are here! I get to put things in a drawer now! (I sleep in a drawer)

Here's a closing from one of my coworkers. It was on something he emailed to our entire department (plus our boss). I love my new job...(kiss my hairy pimply ass, fritz)

I finally talked to the good looking boy today! He said "Whoa!!! Sorry" and I mumbled "oh sorry" as we missed a breathtakingly close head on-collision in the hallway as I stepped out of my cube. (but the way he drew out his 'Whoa', you could tell he was imagining how I would look smiling in the sun in a frame atop his computer monitor)

Lunch break last week: I was walking down the street, and some couple in a passing car with Florida tags and open windows were having a rather loud argument. I know the lady must have been pretty angry, 'cause my quick glance at them as I walked by was answered with a shout: "What the fuck are you looking at, bitch?" Ooh, I felt like such a rebel rebel. I'd like to thank her for that.

Today I asked someone if 'It was 5:00 yet', and then she asked me 'If it was Friday yet.' Then we both laughed, knowingly.

You all may remember my co-worker who at a party once likened some of her bodily discharge to a plater of feta cheese. Well I ran into her today in the bathroom. We started talking about things that we are allergic too. She started running down her list. . ."I'm allergic to cats, dust. . .I'm not allergic to men." Apparently not.

I just overheard my boss saying: And so one half of the town smells like crunch berries and the other half of the town smells like a slaughterhouse! I wonder what town he's talking about...

You know how the typical Saturday Night Live sketch involves the same joke being repeated for about 11 minutes? When you watch it, it's funny for the first 3 minutes, then it's not very funny for the next 3, and then for the next 3 it's just intolerable. But if you keep watching, those last three minutes are HYSTERICAL. I think it's like a trance or catharsis or something. Well, work is like that, too, and Phillip Glass be praised, my job is funny again!