The @-Work Nettwerk
Mundane Tasks and Capitalist Pig-Dog Commands

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Volume Forty Five: Humor Drilled and Piped Directly from the Arctic

Today’s Golden Cubicle Award goes to Ms. Elizabeth Botten, of Silver Spring, MD. I am really really hoping this wasn't some kind of confidential entry, since my greatest fear, by far, is "Today, the nettwerk got me fired":

I'm not sure, but today I think my boss told me that I have a big ass. I was complaining about a librarian who was out of control and had left several nasty messages on a co-worker's voicemail when he couldn't reach me. [An aside: the coworkers name rhymes with bologna, but is spelled more like "blow-me," which I spent the majority of yesterday calling him]. My boss said, "Well, you should just tell him to get over himself." "Or," I added, "I'll just tell him to kiss my ass." She replied, "And there'd be a lot there to kiss."

Today I was so tired and overworked that I could not remember what to call the cards that we send to the families of patients who die. So I asked my co-worker if she could fill out the I'm-sorry-you're-dead cards for me because I was too busy.

I almost touched myself and thought about the Airborne Express delivery man last night.

The guy in the office down the hall is named Mr. Dickland. He moved out of the office and left it empty, so when we have a lot of trash, we just say "Take it to dickland." That brings to mind the question of what Dickland would look like, were there truly such a mystical lair.

Today I sent a letter to a woman whose name is Ms. Glories E. Softly.

My co-workers, my boss and I had a long discussion today at lunch as to whether or not it would compromise the privacy of one of our patients if I told you guys about how he flung poo at the nurses. We decided that I could tell you that, but not WHY he flung the poo. I should mention that he is not a monkey, though monkeys are wont to fling poo also.

The base of my office lamp sort of resembles a Sit and Spin. I wish it were a Sit and Spin. I rather sit and spin than update our budget.

http://www.website1.com/squeegee/

Today, I was feeling unusually and remarkably tense and frustrated. So, I decided to lock my office door and jerk-off to try and relieve some of my stress. When I was cleaning up afterwards, I noticed that a large glob of jizz had landed right on my keyboard, in between the keys. I tried and tried, but I couldn't get it out. At first, it was too thick and heavy, but then it started to liquify and run down into the keyboard. I really hope I don't have to call the PC Repair department to come fix my keyboard. How would I explain how it broke?

I have been waiting for a bookcase for my office for three months. Today it arrived, but it has no shelves.

Today I sent correspondence to Johnson City.

Lunch in the hospital is so informative. Today I learned about flesh-eating bacteria, a man with a giant hole in his face (kids, please stop smoking NOW), and various stages of pressure ulcers. Have I mentioned yet that I also get to see photographs of the insides of 90 year old men's colons on a regular basis?

Our building's new maintenance guy is Jimmy, the building owner's 15-year old daughters internet boyfriend from the swamps of Louisiana. We call him swamp boy. Yesterday he scrubbed our carpet with an industrial strength steel rinsing crème. It didn't work.

Now I have the bookshelves but I don't have the little plastic things that hold them up.

A co-worker of mine just came up and told me that our boss had passed some gas in the vicinity of her desk... she mentioned that it actually smelled like his lunch. I told her that was amazing, she must have a nose for that kind of stuff...she replied "Yeah, asparagus is usually a strong smelling odor, but in his case its a doozie"

http://www.happyhub.com/network/reflex/

A woman at my work just asked me why the CD player on her computer won't work. She said she went into her 'my computer' and double clicked on '3 1/2 Floppy (A:)' drive, and it didn't play.

Suddenly disco music swells and on the other side of the office I see our male receptionist dancing to Abba. Needless to say the boss is out of the office in a meeting.

Today, I received a question from a wee lass in the great and mysterious land of Bulgaria. She was looking for information on a Puerto Rican artist named Osvaldo Rios. Since I work in an archive that houses materials on the visual arts I just assumed that he was a painter or a sculptor or something to that effect. To my delight, however, a google search produced many hits including www.osvaldorios.com and I soon learned that actor Osvaldo Rios is not only a king of telenovelas, but also THE IDOL OF BULGARIA. Now, that just beats the shit out of some boring question on John Steuart Curry or Rembrandt Peale any old day.

Volume Forty Six: Amused Mariah Carey Extensively

Todays Golden Cubicle Award goes to Ms. Lauri Watkins, of Seattle, WA: ** My current job is filling in for a woman who had to go for emergency hand surgery because she stuck her fingers down her cat's throat and her cat, unsurprisingly, bit down. Little Snowey put her in the hospital for a week with multiple puncture wounds and a massive infection, and now she can look forward to literally months of rehab on her hand. Let this be a lesson to you; never, ever stick your fingers down a cat's throat.**

Our computer guy was in today, and he’s really hot, so I invented a problem that required him to get on his knees and bend over, so I could see his ass-crack.

As tech support, do I really need a staple remover?

www.cutoffmyfeet.com

This morning I passed a road crew who had programmed their sign to read, "Road work ahead...blah...blah...blah...be cool."

While temping at a floorcovering company, one of my duties was processing their warranties -- they'll fix the floor at no charge if the problem is due to defective materials or poor workmanship. They will NOT fix the floor if the problem is due to improper use or "acts of God or Public Enemy." I had no idea Chuck D, Flava-Flav, Professor Griff and Terminator X were such a threat to tile floors.

On my way home from work, I stopped my car before a crosswalk to indiscretely check out a girl's ass.

The temp receptionist (who comes from a retail background and has never worked in an office before) asked me to explain to her about "The Microsoft". When I asked her exactly what she meant, she spoke really slowly and raised her voice a few decibels and asked me to explain to her "ABOUT...THE...MICROSOFT". I have a debilitating superiority complex.

Outwitted again: I asked a customer this morning what kind of credit card he has, and he replied 'a stolen one.'

I'm feeling rather proud of myself right now because I just managed to add a reference to Bianca Jagger riding a horse into Studio 54 to a work related memo.

Is it time for a new nickname ? www.prisonbitchname.com

Today, I was cursing the stupid, mother-fucking, asshole who put the typing stand in front of the desk drawer, thereby inhibiting me from gathering supplies from the drawer with ease. Then I realized that stupid, mother-fucking, asshole was me.

Today I learned the hard way that, contrary to popular belief, www.asscrack.com is not a plumbing related website, but rather what one would expect it to be.

As I type, my boss, who I could only describe as a mysogynist, racist, misanthropic bigot who no one would miss if he fell off the planet right now – is standing outside my office yelling "dammit" and kicking the copier with his ugly cowboy boots he wears every single day. I think he might need some help, but I hate him so instead I'’m just laughing.

Today, I spun around in my swivel chair with my eyes closed, trying to guess in what direction I would be in when the spinning stopped. The vertigo made me guess incorrectly.

Eileen the Cleaning Lady is collecting bugs for her son's school project. She finds them in the outdoor smoking area, sticks them in a paper cup, then puts them in our refrigerator to die.

Also, I find that raising and lowering my swivel chair by pushing the lever on the side makes a neat "swoosh"-ing sound. Someday, I hope to see what it's like to swivel and "swoosh" at the same time.

"Someday" has come. Note to self: Never, EVER attempt this again.

Things that I have but I will never need as tech support:
1. Staple remover
2. Stapler (with staples)
3. Tape dispenser (with tape)
4. Architects ruler
5. Paper clips
6. Rubber bands
I find, however, that I am selfishly hoarding these items. I will never share them, or donate them to any of my co-workers. As I said to my cat this morning, when she tried to help herself to my English muffin, "Get your own."

Sometimes when I have to relieve myself of "number2" in the office restroom the cleaning lady walks in and after she finishes cleaning the other stalls she waits outside my stall, which totally throws off my concentration. Sometimes I just sit there to see how long she'’ll wait, like a gun-slinger stand off.

Yesterday my boss came into my office and asked me for some nail polish remover to remove the permanent marker from the whiteboard in his office. I gladly walked down to the chemist to buy some (since I needed some anyway) then I claimed it back from petty cash. Since they have underpaid me by about $12,000 in the last 6 months, I don't feel too bad about claiming the $10 for the nail polish remover. Now, it's sitting in my drawer, and I'm tempted to sniff it. Just to see how it feels.

The other day our company president was out of the office so the remaining staff decided to order a six pack of beer when we called out for pizza. It arrived and I had no sooner popped the top off than one of my superiors came over and invited me to sneak off and smoke some herb. Doing tech support is a lot easier when you're slightly fried, if only because helping people set up Outlook Express kind of feels like exchanging small talk at a party.

I was just written up for 'rollicking with scizzors'. I want to write my boss up for thesaurus abuse.

Yesterday they taught us to use netmeeting to improve our efficiency. A co-worker and I spent all day today using it to draw boobs, genitals and scenes of bestiality. We plan to do this often.

Today is the third day of my very new (and very first) 'corporate' job. The day began with the usual two-hour commute, utilizing nearly every public transit system available in the Maryland-DC-Northern Virginia area, including automobile travel on 270, the MARC train, and the Red, Yellow/Blue, and Orange/Blue Metro lines, in that order. Oddly,"Free Tomatoes" were available today at the Germantown MARC train station. Judging by the remains on the train tracks, virtually every available tomato was destined for destruction, either through hurling at passing trains or by arrangement on the tracks as a train would speedily pass.

Finally, an @-werk first: @-Werk Dating! We received this entry several weeks ago:
**Am I the only one who thinks Kira, from volume 25 is an extremely sexy name??**
In the great @-werk tradition of irony, Kira was married two days after we received this entry. To someone else. My soul was warmed.