The @-Work Nettwerk
Mundane Tasks and Capitalist Pig-Dog Commands

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Volume Nine:
Endorses Neither Evolution Nor Creationism

Today's Golden Cubicle Award is a Tag-Team Tie! I couldn't decide between the great reference Sarah Loff has provided us, or the subtlety that defines the @-work nettwerk, as stated by Jenny Jones. So here they are:
**Sarah Loff, of Washington D.C. writes: Found back issues of a cool, cool journal: Performance Research International. Learned that performance artist Annie Sprinkle's cervix is on-line: http://www.gatesofheck.com/annie. Would Annie Sprinkle want me to just send that information out to random people? Yes, I think so.**

**Jenny Jones, of Chicago, Illinois informs us: I play on the company softball team.**

The gangster youth with whom I work (a branch of the Bloods) and I have to deliver newspapers in the "projects." Today was the first time I got to participate in this lovely task. They decided to initiate me by sending me down "Psycho Lane" where people have lots of dogs and are known for being a bit... weird. I had to drop the newspaper in the mail slots. At one house, some big nasty sounding dog snapped at my hand when I pushed through the door. One of the kids told me that he's been chased by people in diapers on Psycho Lane before, but I think he was just trying to scare me.

Everytime I wonder if I have contempt for authority, I get really angry at myself for questioning my decisions.

I was just thinking it'd be nice to have an "At-Work Nettwerk" concert featuring a live performance from Nettwerk record label artists, i.e. the brilliant industrial noise band Skinny Puppy. Unfortunately that's impossible because the keyboard player od'd and died a couple years ago.

My boyfriend and I work in the same office. Yesterday when he was fixing one of the older secretary's computers, she told him that our office would shut down for a few days if Congress did not approve the new budget soon. Addressing this possibility, she said, "You could go home, fuck your girlfriend! And you'd both get paid!" I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Last Friday I learned that "casual day" means "CASUAL DAY."

The three of us who work on the same project & and our friend from upstairs all happened to show up wearing the same thing today - black shirt, dark blue pants. Fashion is generally dull.

Michael asked, apathetically, "where is everyone today? They must've been abducted by aliens." Earnestly, Linda answers, "I think they're in a meeting." "Oh," says Michael, leisurely passing through the hall, "it's the same difference."

Apparently my coworkers think I look art-y. Read: "At least my miserable humanities major starting salary keeps me in thrift-shop coats and hair dye."

"I look at Marilyn Manson like a mother would, like I'm sure his mother looks at him." -- Cher (Rolling Stone interview, 15 April 1999)

Yesterday we watched people take our computerized Pizza survey behind a 2 way mirror at a shopping mall. I kept waiting for a respondent to pick their nose, and I was prepared to feel very embarrassed for them if they did. But they didn't.

Finally, A Special Literary treat from Elizabeth Botten: The At Work Nettwerk Haiku:

Volume Ten

Once again, the "Golden Cubicle Award" goes to...well, me. And I think I deserve it.
**Friday night I got raving drunk at my bosses birthday party, and I picked up his girlfriends dog and started flapping its arms like a bird. When his girlfriend asked me if I would be allright getting home, I looked at her and said, "Grrrrlllll...I can't even make it to the BATHROOM, nevermind trying to get home." Then, I burped. **

The "anti-cubicle" award goes to Joanne Klein, who has to rub it in everyone's face that she is still firmly entrenched in liberal arts employment:
**I don't contribute much, because I work in a non-tedious environment . . . where information like the address of Annie Sprinkle's labia becomes immediately useful as bona fide work product.**

I suggested starting a company basketball team, but then I realized that since there are only two of us in my organization, we would get our ass kicked.

Today we had a "staff retreat." My boss provided the food. I am a vegetarian. He is not. He fed me lettuce.

What do you do when you plan an event and nobody shows? Go to Ikea and spend your paycheck before they can take it back.

As I said, I work with the Bloods doing violence and gang prevention. We are having a staff retreat. Part of the fun team building activities scheduled tomorrow includes playing laser tag (i.e. running around shooting each other).

I stole half a brownie from the kitchen upstairs.

I got a new windows application yesterday. Like any application, icons are assigned to particular tasks for ease of use. For example, "tools" is designated by a selection of three household tools, "getting attention" is designated by a bell often found on a counter or at a desk, and "Kerberos" is designated by a three headed dog standing in hell. I can't make this stuff up.

Incidentally, you can view my cervix online at www.benscervix.com, or at everyones favorite website, www.minidonkeys.com.